PEEP INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE

EPISODE 101:

Bienvenue mon peuple!

Okay okay linguists and language fanatics and all the pros in that world, don’t get excited already.I just did one level of French School.Yep,just what you thought,such an amateur huh?Honestly speaking though,Is it correct grammatically,semantically,technically,verbally,layman-ally and all ally’s involved?(I shamelessly admit I have harmed your ears with my over the top unwarranted logolepsy)My professor will be so proud that one student of his can recall a couple of french phrases.If you’ve tried to learn a language that is not one that you grew up with you will relate especially if you’re from Africa,to be more specific an anglophone state and there you’re struggling with a language  that does not come naturally to you,but it’s your passion that keeps you going,how you feel the words flowing to you seamlessly like a stream of clear,sparkling water or like music notes strung together by Nina Simone or Edith Piaf(my analogies though) but that is not the agenda of today.

It is the 30th of January,the clock reads 21:57 as I’m beginning to type this paragraph literally and I am contemplating in retrospect to the happenings of this month before it ends.

It has been a long one.It has been a good one.It has been one full of adulting .It had its own slippery moments where I felt I was moving like a pregnant seal.It had its days when the sun shone so bright that I was squinting my eyes like how my dad does when trying to read a document.His antics will never cease to crack me up.You know how our old folks try to read newspapers or anything readable at that.They stretch it at arms length and locate the paper at an angle of elevation or is it the angle of depression,my High School Math is failing me big time but isscool,issoright (y’all get the gist I hope so)It is the month where the sun was scorching downright on my back,mercilessly.I could even smell the roots of my hair which does not happen on a normal day.The differing complexions of my uncovered skin and covered skin narrate the whole tale.No kidding.Down here in Kenya(I don’t know why I’m assuming we’re down here and the best part is that I know I’m not the only one who thinks so), everyone is battling something this past month;long work days,delayed salaries,school fees(the I-live-one-day-at-a-time kind of people eh,now you will realize the full meaning of that mantra you choose to live by,in its full sense),less going out,meat on your table at the end of the day or lack thereof(this is when you appreciate the existence of cabbages and their whole family).All in all,we give thanks as we heave a sigh of relief as the 70th day of January comes to its long awaited end.

I have been in a slump,in a rut,in a humdrum existence ,call it whatever and I needed someone to get my lazy ass up and do something about my life in the blogosphere and guess who did that?Yea,you thought right,my brilliant self.It is not easy when you’re the only one who; gets yourself,understands yourself,talks to yourself,pats your own back,laughs at your own jokes;scolds yourself,motivates yourself because I believe that you are the only one who holds that power and thou shall not let another person do that for you or take that place in your life  because you are the only one who knows yourself 100%.If anything,that is the power of self actualization and according yourself that self love.Give yourself those little powerful speeches.I am not implying that the input of family,friends,mentors,workmates and whatnot is not allowed and it should be left for the wind.It’s all about balance.I am turning out to be a sub Robin Sharma but oh well,If I fit the role well then why not?

My 2017 theme is BE.(Now I’m being serious for those who were keeping up with the charade.)It is to BE a better daughter,to BE a better sister,to BE a better friend,to BE  a better student, to BE a better person.In all these small,broken down ways,,it involves growth and development towards the right path.It is about letting go of the clutter in life that we do not realize we are piling up.It is being real to yourself and to the people around you.It is not about pulling acts just for the sake of it all.Life is short in any case,you had better make it worthwhile.It is about telling the people in your life that you feel that ka paragasha thing that you appreciate them,that you care,that you’re concerned and that you do not take them for granted,not just once but reminding them,again and again, that you do because once death stares at you and wills you away…it will be another tale(It was not supposed to turn out to be a morbid scene guys).It is about being grateful for these little things,the mundane .like crushing dry leaves,like laughing until you start tearing up or someone asking genuinely how your day was,heart to heart talks or even silence that isn’t awkward or just when someone remembers the things you say even the smallest things like sleeping on clean sheets,sleeping on the cold side of the pillow that go unnoticed but still manage to make our lips curve into a smile.Life just bypasses us as we await big things like graduation or anniversaries,unknowingly letting these tiny ones slip through our fingers smoothly like sand grains.It is about teasing your siblings and being as playful as you were when you were seven and the only care in the world  you had was that your mom would not find out that you ate at Mama nani’s place after repeatedly telling you not to do so.It is about working on your weaknesses as a person and building on your strengths,handling internal and external pressure to your very best as a person.Don’t weigh yourself down with too much and society should not in any way try and coin you in the way it deems right.You are you and that is your power.So,spread out your wings and fly,soar higher and higher to far,uncharted paths.

(Turns out I am a sucker for sentimentality,that’s a huge one)

SIDE NOTES:1.I am on book 2/26(Americanah) finishing it by  1st Feb and starting my book 3(The Notebook,I am prepping  my box of tissues and my eye glands for a looong ride.2.I truly truly love puns and especially if they have a grammatical sense of humor. 3.I wish I was an anonymous writer,I think so or maybe not. 4. There goes my lousy attempt at updating ‘regularly’

HAVE A MOJO JOJO WEEK AYE!

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Don’t forget this.Go big or go home and if you go home you can as well get an ample amount of sleep!

FIX YOU-NUGGET III

“She is going to kill me when she figures out,well before…never mind.I can see the murderous looks she darts at me and I know very well that if I don’t tell her soon,she’ll start those interrogations of hers that I don’t like because she literally scratches all surfaces,uncovering all hidden truths,leaving  me all naked.I have no idea how she does that,I did try taking a page or two from her and it did not go as expected.You can picture it.I trust this girl so much,this is an understatement.I do not know what kind of human being I would have been without her.I still think up to date she is my own kind of angel from the day we clicked ;she is not perfect,infact,she is far from it,she is not all bust-to-hips ratio 24:34 or whatever it is the universe wants to define as perfect because you know what,beautiful in my world has a very queer definition.It does not even have any specific words to it,I find beauty in the subtlety of things;like how she cannot do a perfect 180° cartwheel,hers is more of 108° and that is nothing compared to what she does,she starts off so well then midair her legs jumble up and communication between her brains and legs is cut short(enemies I tell you) and then she ends it up with a completely unknown stunt to the human race.I can bet only martians are aware of what is always going on with her at that particular moment,and how she stares off into the distance when she’s spacing out is beyond adorable because she makes multiple of faces,I can not even start imagining what silly arguments she’s normally having at those moments…”friends or big bang theory?undateable or baby daddy?No,new girl outdoes all those…uurgh,or maybe I should have someone else’s opinion on this.No,I think I can make a small decision by myself without anyone’s input or maybe I should just ask,but then again I think I actually want something that is science fiction themed or maybe a thriller.But why am I making such a fuss out of this?Jeez!I can be pedantic at times…”I am so sure it is such things that give her a hard time.Major things I tell you,major things.She is such a klutz,like who in the world is as klutzy(if this word exists at all)as she is.I swear at times I think of getting her real aid,maybe something from Help A Klutz Organization,you know.I kid you not,I’m not even exaggerating in any way though she says that I do,but I do not blame her because she’s not the one on the receiving end of her clumsy ways.

And when she is paying attention to me,she maintains some serious eye contact which I find oddly attractive for a person.You know the lame saying ‘eyes are the windows to the soul’,I think I see right through to her soul, as cheesy as that sounds.She has serious eye contact,it’s like she is a fortune teller of some sort chanting their way into you or a sorcerer perhaps,I’m still debating on which is her stronger suit of the two.She is also the fearless  kind,I did not even know such kind of personalities did exist and it is not that hers is acquired from life’s harsh blows or anything. C’mon, have you seen where the girl lives?That kind of life doesn’t have blows,just little handshakes or maybe I am stretching it a little.She is just a natural at it and then on top of it, a ton of life’s rough “handshakes”.She is the bold kind,the ones who are not afraid to speak their minds.Her mouth runs as fast as that deer out there in the Mara and I like her because of that,even with the many slips, wrong choice of words ,the unfiltered words,she still nails it and the best thing is that she is a fierce lover despite the fact that she loathes it when I tell her that and never admits it,at least to my face.She’s the sacrificial type,she would do anything for the people she loves,kill a mosquito even,like don’t you mess with her loved ones lest you face her wrath.

With her,I’ve been a better person,a better friend,a better son,a better brother.I quit my douche bag tendencies when I realized that someone,maybe there’s someone who can understand you as a person.My dark soul was so used to hiding in the gallows,covered with cobwebs and layers and layers of dust but she came with such bright light-glowing,shimmering light-that cleared all that away almost instantaneously. I should admit I was quite the piece of work,but it is the end product that we’re looking at,isn’t it?So, I still say she is the angel that my life needed and what timing could be perfect other than this?I think I should shout it on the rooftops,no?That would not be enough.Serenade her?Wait…What?Am I looking for her hand in marriage stupid?hell naah!Even if I write it on my forehead and scream into her earlobes,she would love that for sure but she would not show it,brush it off like it is nothing but deep down I know the number of times she is fist bumping the air and doing some silly happy dances inside her head.

See why I can not tell her all that is going on because I know it will crush her,literally.It will tear her apart and she will try to act like nothing happened,like there’s no thick,grey cloud hovering above waiting for the downpour go-sign.She will put up a fearless composure,the nothing-can-shake-me one, but that will last for what?A day?Two days?A week?My resolve is wearing out and my conscience too is going down the drain.I’m in a standstill,the proverbial caught between a rock and a hard place.She is a combination of all these amazing things and if I do tell her,the radiating light that reflects in her eyes will slowly but surely die because of me.I can not be selfish like that.I have to be selfless.God ,I’m trying so hard,so damn hard and I do not know,I just don’t.”

 

 

 

 

FIX YOU-Nugget II

Contemplation:The words that remained unspoken,the thoughts that kept on pounding and resonating,the cogs that kept on turning,again and again.

“Should I ask him?…or maybe not.I do not know what is going on really.Why can’t he just let me in?I thought we were already past that.I thought we had broken down those walls,together.I thought we were at a point where we could see through each other’s soul.

We are not a couple,I repeat not a couple,not dating,not nothing haha because c’mon I don’t see him in that way,ever.I know people say that platonic is such a ridiculous thing,that it’s just an excuse people use to get out of situations(I do not know which situations these could be honestly)but this,like what I’m saying is that…uurgh,you get what I’m saying,right?

He is the only friend I know of,all the others are mere companions,acquiantances.I do not even do labels like bestie,bff,cff and all that shebang’.I just know that we connect on a very different level,unknown to the world around us,ineffable to everyone else.Its only him and I,you know?As corny as that sounds oh! and a 3rd person too,that amazing big guy up there.

There’s something going on here and I cannot wrap my head around it.He’s falling back to that old habit of his;the forced smiles,the slouched shoulders,the looks he keeps on giving me that he thinks I’m oblivious to.How more obvious can he get?This used to be like routine a while back till we took the right steps going forward  and now he thinks he’s going to go back into that slump,nope,not on my watch.The saddest thing is that this side of his comes with a handful of jokes and more stories,so ironic.I have never understood where all these stems from really.

And the thing that hurts me though I don’t show it is that I know all these and I know you  know that I know  it so damn well but I’m waiting for a miracle to happen,you know like some sense to finally snap in that head of yours.For you to do something,say a word,any word and stop this nonsense already.I have a bad feeling in my gut that this is gonna be a hurricane crashing on both of us,hard
.I hope you speak up before I start my rounds of ‘playing cop’ and we both know you don’t like it or do you now?We’ll know about that sooner or later.

Sooner.

I’m so sure it will be sooner.”

(“This is her inner voice speaking*makes sounds of clearing throat*Can they read this Jo?cz I WANT them to”

(she calls me Jo,how cool can she get?)

“yuuuup,go ahead you’ve been nagging me since I can even try remembering”

“Yea yea,whatever*sneers*Being in her head is such a roller-coaster man!Like where should I even start*sighs*…….”

“I have to cut her right there because she rants and rumbles and cusses like a sailor.”)

Adios amigos;)

FIX YOU

You see those egg shells,they’re all broken,spread out and guess what?They can’t be fixed too.

 

She could see him hurting but there was nothing she could do about it really.She could see the fatigue in his eyes,how it was taking a huge toll on his soul,on his whole self literally.She could see how he suddenly kept on zoning out of conversations they were having.She tried giving him signs that he normally read onto,he knew what she was asking for but he had to pull the ignorant card on her,giving her nothing but the “I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about-please-enlighten-me”.She knew better,he was just bullsh*tting her.

Whatever it was,he still could not tell her,just not yet.He trusted her yes yes he did,so much you have no idea but a part of him was holding back and he didn’t know how to spell it to her.Should he write a song,or maybe craft a poem or should he draw,paint,you know whatever this human heartstrings normally tug onto but normal is overrated,besides he was not a knack at either of all that,all he could do was make her laugh?Yes,he had a great sense of humor and cracked jokes that knocked her off her composure,made some ridiculous puns just to see her eyes crinkle and tears well up as she broke into fits of laughter.

And oh boy!Didn’t her laughter make his heart warm up.It was a constant reminder of how life was such a beautiful thing,her being the rainbows and unicorns in his life.He tried thinking of how it would be if she came to know what was going on in his life but he couldn’t come up with the picture of that because it hurt,it hurt so bad,breaking his soul so much that he could feel the high,”Hercules” wall of tears he had been building up was not strong enough anymore,he could feel the tears forcing their way out through the small cracks they had tried creating time and again,trying to come to the surface.He knew so damn well that it was not going to be a pretty sight He knew that one way or another he had to tell her because soon,soon enough,he will be….

(Guys,listen to Birdy*I loooove heer*-All about you,it sort of relates to this drizzle of a tale that is just on its onset.Let’s ruuuumbllee eyy?)

First blog post

This is the excerpt of My First Post.After Two Very First Posts.

So,finals are coming up and that is when it hits you that the whole of the semester is rounding up;the referee has blown the final whistle, my guys.So,’Study leave’ that’s what this good school that I’m in coin the fact that they are tired of seen 19 year olds and 20 year olds for three months straight and they want a break from all that sightseeing,you know,to grasp reality or whatever it is they do when they aren’t piling on us loads and loads of assignment and when also not telling us that one plus one is not equal to two(discrete math is a whole uncharted territory that my life path is headed to,unfortunately for me…or is it econometrics-I have no idea,we’ll cross that bridge when we reach there,aight?)

So,day one is Monday and I have my study table prepared you know the likes;Humongous books of Microeconomics and Finance,oh and Calculus too.How can I even forget Calculus;Damn,calculus is a core unit in my academic life like for good.Pens check,Laptop check(for past papers purposes,not music,not movies don’t get it twisted folks)flashcards check post-it-notes check.I am so prepared you have no idea.The moment I turn my laptop on to check the documents,I find my index finger slowly drifting to the google chrome icon and it registers in my head that no studying is happening today but do I try and stop the index finger?No,infact my whole self tunes out and you know how youtube is,such tempters with the ‘recommendations’ and the ‘up nexts’.Very clever,brilliant. Youtube will most definitely be the end of me this week but on the flipside,I am adding to my well of (air quotes) knowledge.I try to cheer myself up, more like justify my wayward thoughts and actions.And that is how my day starts and ends but along the way,I decide to read blog posts by the very humorous,relatable Biko Zulu.I do not know why it took me quite long to start reading his blog.Honestly,I don’t know where the heck I was and what I had been doing.I also found this blog,Nicholas Rinth and I liked how it was presented-the style and everything,then I stumbled upon more blogs from around the globe and then it dawned on me that I could have my very own blog,how exciting and thrilling can that be?

Let me tell you something eh, I used to think that owning/having a blog was like a big deal(times  when I was quite the daft person in the crowd).Like you had to be a big person or accredited by some sort of I-dunno-what,just those big bodies with looong acronyms,but thank the heavens,now I know.I can have one.Anyone can have one and you can make it how you want it to look,write whatever content you want,do what you want to do with it,even if one day you wake up and you feel like shit and you do not give a hoot about nobody,delete it.(No,please don’t,we’re all trying in this messed up world)

So that day I slept thinking of how awesome my blog will be,first with a fancy name eh,with constant updates because for me,in my world I find peace with words,I heal from the ink I spill,from the graphite I scrape away,neatly or not.I love creating stories-forming characters,plot twists and the likes.Tuesday,the following day I woke up with a revived spirit,sat down on my laptop,filled in the necessary details and wrote my first post and drafted my second one waiting for the next Tuesday just to click update(I was so excited,you can tell)

However,afterwards something happened,something changed.It is not that I ran out of things to write or share,in fact my journals are bleeding.It is just that life happens,I started thinking of how I should have my posts be the definition of perfect,with vocabulary that just sounds good to one’s ears(more especially a British folk) and the flow to be as fluid as it can ever be,with the…I just do not know.I wanted to read them and be like ‘hell yeeeaah!That’s wassup man’ ‘Bombdiggity yaass!!’You get what I’m trying to communicate,I know you do but you know what I realized ;fuck perfection and fuck being flawless and fuck all this validation and pressure that at times we all exert on ourselves not knowing that we are only hurting ourselves and no one else.

Two weeks went by with me throwing my new blog to the backseat and trying not to think about it,keyword being ‘trying’.(It wreaked havoc in my always busy brain,needless to say)

 A sense of calm and realization finally settled in me one day out of the blue and nothing felt as good as that.Lip service doesn’t assure you of anything.It should be a conviction  that comes from within,your whole self should be in sync and that is all that matters,nothing else,no one else.

And,my guys,that is how things turned out for me not really good but we’re getting there.

Side note(s)-1.I did read for my finals and my results were good enough.2,No,I’m not having a hard time or a breakdown or anything of the sort.3.I love coffee.4.I do not cuss as much as observed above.

 

Have a MOJO JOJO week.Cheers!